On Making Bad Choices.

When a friend breaks all ties with you, it’s best to respect their decision and leave it up to them to realize you’re not a bad person.

We all make mistakes, but we can’t let them ruin our lives or prevent us from learning a valuable lesson. I posted this comment on Plurk, and got a lot of private plurks consoling me or asking what had happened. So here’s the majorly condensed story, along with a not-so-condensed lesson on life.

Almost exactly a year ago I flew out to Nevada to meet an online friend of mine, and I’ve got to say we hit it off really well. I had almost always considered her my best friend, but going out to meet her only affirmed the fact that she was undoubtedly one of the most amazing (and fun) people I’d ever met.

To say in the least, I made a huge mistake while on my trip. To put it simply, I ended up sleeping with a friend of hers that she used to have feelings for. He had, in the past, very badly mistreated her by taking advantage of the fact that she was in love with him. Little did I know she was still struggling with her feelings, or rather, I was too much of an idiot to pay attention to how she felt.

After the awkward and rather unenjoyable encounter with her supposed “former” crush, my friend was pretty upset. Unfortunately, I told two different stories to the both of them to try and spare any heartbreak. I told my friend the truth: that it was horrible and a huge mistake. I told the fling (who had, not 6 months earlier, attempted suicide twice) that he was amazing and I wanted to do it again but couldn’t because I didn’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.

By the time I had left to return home, the fling had told the friend that I had lied to her.

Not too long after that she told me to never speak to her again. I tried to reason with her, but to this day we haven’t spoken since.

I’m sure you’ve been wondering all along why I was inconsiderate enough to do what I did. It was a tumultuous time in both my life and the life of said “fling.” My boyfriend of two years had just left me and I was having family difficulties, and the fling was in the process of getting over his ex-girlfriend. As much as I needed a friend at the time, I was emotionally starved and seeking the inevitable rebound guy/girl. I was being selfish.

I’m not going to make excuses for what I did, because it was just plain stupid, reckless, and inconsiderate. But regardless of what I did, I know I’ve learned from it, and most importantly: that I’m still a good person.

I miss my friend a lot, but I know it’s best to give her the space she needs. There’s only so much you can say to a person once you’ve hurt them. If you keep on trying to win them back, you reach a point where all you’re doing is trying to convince yourself that you’re worth forgiving.

I’m leaving it up to her to contact me. I made a bad choice, and the last thing I want to do is add salt to that wound. Waiting’s hard, and the realization that we may never speak again is even harder to swallow, but that’s the price you pay for being a bad friend.