On Making Bad Choices.

When a friend breaks all ties with you, it’s best to respect their decision and leave it up to them to realize you’re not a bad person.

We all make mistakes, but we can’t let them ruin our lives or prevent us from learning a valuable lesson. I posted this comment on Plurk, and got a lot of private plurks consoling me or asking what had happened. So here’s the majorly condensed story, along with a not-so-condensed lesson on life.

Almost exactly a year ago I flew out to Nevada to meet an online friend of mine, and I’ve got to say we hit it off really well. I had almost always considered her my best friend, but going out to meet her only affirmed the fact that she was undoubtedly one of the most amazing (and fun) people I’d ever met.

To say in the least, I made a huge mistake while on my trip. To put it simply, I ended up sleeping with a friend of hers that she used to have feelings for. He had, in the past, very badly mistreated her by taking advantage of the fact that she was in love with him. Little did I know she was still struggling with her feelings, or rather, I was too much of an idiot to pay attention to how she felt.

After the awkward and rather unenjoyable encounter with her supposed “former” crush, my friend was pretty upset. Unfortunately, I told two different stories to the both of them to try and spare any heartbreak. I told my friend the truth: that it was horrible and a huge mistake. I told the fling (who had, not 6 months earlier, attempted suicide twice) that he was amazing and I wanted to do it again but couldn’t because I didn’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings.

By the time I had left to return home, the fling had told the friend that I had lied to her.

Not too long after that she told me to never speak to her again. I tried to reason with her, but to this day we haven’t spoken since.

I’m sure you’ve been wondering all along why I was inconsiderate enough to do what I did. It was a tumultuous time in both my life and the life of said “fling.” My boyfriend of two years had just left me and I was having family difficulties, and the fling was in the process of getting over his ex-girlfriend. As much as I needed a friend at the time, I was emotionally starved and seeking the inevitable rebound guy/girl. I was being selfish.

I’m not going to make excuses for what I did, because it was just plain stupid, reckless, and inconsiderate. But regardless of what I did, I know I’ve learned from it, and most importantly: that I’m still a good person.

I miss my friend a lot, but I know it’s best to give her the space she needs. There’s only so much you can say to a person once you’ve hurt them. If you keep on trying to win them back, you reach a point where all you’re doing is trying to convince yourself that you’re worth forgiving.

I’m leaving it up to her to contact me. I made a bad choice, and the last thing I want to do is add salt to that wound. Waiting’s hard, and the realization that we may never speak again is even harder to swallow, but that’s the price you pay for being a bad friend.

Wishing she were a man…

Women are so complicated.  You’d think that being a woman would make it easier to understand members of the same sex, but no such luck.

There’s a girl who I’ll call H.  She’s an amazing friend and I love her to death, but I have to admit I’ve had a thing for her from the day that I met her.  H is so beautiful in so many ways, and she’s been such an amazing friend.  I’ve only ever grown to like her even more over time.

I’ve told H in the past that I was attracted to her, and she took the news pretty well.  Even though she was one of my best friends, I still felt she would react negatively.  I had to get it off my chest because it was beginning to impact our friendship.  How positively she reacted to the news only affirmed my feelings that she was someone worth loving.

I hadn’t seen H for about a year until the other day.  She’s been away at school, and once she came back to town I was the first one to call her.

Now don’t get me wrong, we had a great time.  I have an unfinished poster we made to prove it.  But when she started to talk about her new boyfriend, I started to realize that he sounded a like me.  A LOT like me.  And so did she.  H even remarked, “You two are so alike, it’s actually pretty creepy.”

I wondered what I was supposed to say to that.  All the rest of the day in my head I wondered, “Why is he more worthy of your affection than I am?”

Do anatomical differences render a person unable to be loved?  Don’t get me wrong, I have a boyfriend who loves me very much.  It’s just that I wonder these things sometimes.  I AM allowed to date women, after all.  I just can’t seem to grasp the concept of somehow being less desirable in an emotional sense because I lack a certain appendage.

I tend to always find myself saying, “You went looking when all you needed was right here all along.”

So don’t worry guys.  When it comes to women, I’m blessed with the same sense of confusion that you are.

Why do companies have absolutely no common courtesy?

I’m a bit tired of sending out resume after resume and not one person having the common decency to let me know I’m not what they’re looking for (or whatever other lame-ass excuse they have lined up).

Sure, if I had sent my resume out to corporate headquarters for some reputable organization that handles thousands of applications a day, I would understand their inability to send me even a quick message to let me know where I stand. No, wait– I take that back. If they were some huge corporation, they should send out some sort of bulk e-mail to all applicants that were denied that day. It’d be fairly easy to do with an online application process.

But back to where I was headed with this: I live in a town with a population of a few thousand. Most businesses in the area are small and family-run. These businesses only have one or two positions open and there are very few unemployed people around here. The amount of applications coming in can’t be overwhelming, to say in the least.

There’s no reason why a company (big or small) should leave you in the dark.

I mean, I’d be perfectly happy if they were to lie to me and say, “Oh I’m sorry, we’ve already filled the position,” when in all reality they felt I would be a TERRIBLE fit for the job. At least then I can cross one place off the list.

But no, all us lowly applicants deserve is to be left completely out of the loop.

Addressing the Mess

So I’m starting (yet another) blog.  But this one’s different, I swear!  My livejournal was set to friends-only about 3 years ago, and recently I’ve felt the need to publicly share some (if not most) aspects of my life.  I feel I have a lot to share, a lot to teach, and a helluva lot more to learn from others.

So subscribe.  Give it a week or so.  Then if you’re not completely satisfied, get the hell out xD

Seriously, listen in for a bit.